Geralt saying he doesn't want Yennefer any longer should be a reason for celebration, it should be the final push he needs to run to Geralt's arms and promise him forever.
But it isn't.
How did they end up like this? Cuddling, but because of nightmares. Sharing a love confession, but because of a class. Getting a nickname, but as a way to placate him. Knowing Geralt's heart is free, but in exchange of poking at his wounds. Jaskier learned at 18, on the road, that the world isn't like the ballads said, but still... this is so incredibly, utterly wrong on a whole new level.
He winces at Geralt's outburst, at least, and looks down at his hands, feeling like shit for having caused him pain. Jaskier never wants to cause Geralt more pain than what he already goes through everyday... and yet he doesn't apologize. Respect doesn't make history. If he hadn't pushed, they wouldn't be here, finally getting the truth of the matter out in the open. Jaskier is as patient as he can when it comes to Geralt, knows it's not the witcher's fault that he can't communicate for shit. But to have his love confession twisted like this? There's only so much he can take, only so much poetry he can spin mean words into. His heart aches for Geralt's broken problem, yet the petty bitch in him can only think I told you so, you didn't listen.
...actually, that doesn't sound half bad.
"About fucking time." He surprises himself by managing not to snap. His tone is still bitter and hurt, but his voice is hushed - things are resting on cracked ice, he realizes, and he's scared that it'll break again, like that day in the mountain. Even at moments like this, Geralt is still the best thing that has ever happened to him, something he doesn't want to lose. He's kept his feelings hidden all these years not to lose this friendship, and he can now feel it slipping through his fingers like sand. "How many times have I said you didn't have to take all that horsehit, Geralt? That you didn't have to be in fucking pieces, to endure insults and mistreatment, that you deserve better than that?"
Blue eyes follow the fingers on his lap as the pick at his nails. Another moment that should be good (Geralt learning that lesson), stained by this emotional hurricane.
"I consider myself an expert in reading you, yet half of the time, I still can't tell what you want. The conversation we had before Pavetta's betrothal still rings in my ears, so many years later, knowing you didn't mean half of it. So hearing you express a personal wish right now... it should make me happy. And it kind of does." Not being able to take it any longer, he looks up again, because if he's going down, he wants to save the last of his pride. He doesn't have much of it when it comes to Geralt, dumbass lovefool that he is, but if there's one thing he can say without shame is that he never gave in to Geralt's anger. Jaskier has always been fearless in front of the witcher, and he can't change that now. "Yet it also makes me doubt everything again. 'Whatever you want', you said. Was it only because you felt guilty? Do you truly want the White Wolf's bard by your side again? As a barker? As a travel companion? As a friend? As-- anything else? I've bared my feelings for you so many times by now, Geralt of Rivia. Someone out there will want you, I said. Let's go to the coast, I said."
A pause. He swallows the sob that threatens to escape.
"I love you, my song said." Thank the gods he's already sitting, or his trembling legs wouldn't have supported him through that admission. It's the closest he's been to saying it directly. "Something you weren't supposed to find out, because losing your friendship is the most terrifying thing that could happen to me, and yet... here we are, I say."
no subject
But it isn't.
How did they end up like this? Cuddling, but because of nightmares. Sharing a love confession, but because of a class. Getting a nickname, but as a way to placate him. Knowing Geralt's heart is free, but in exchange of poking at his wounds. Jaskier learned at 18, on the road, that the world isn't like the ballads said, but still... this is so incredibly, utterly wrong on a whole new level.
He winces at Geralt's outburst, at least, and looks down at his hands, feeling like shit for having caused him pain. Jaskier never wants to cause Geralt more pain than what he already goes through everyday... and yet he doesn't apologize. Respect doesn't make history. If he hadn't pushed, they wouldn't be here, finally getting the truth of the matter out in the open. Jaskier is as patient as he can when it comes to Geralt, knows it's not the witcher's fault that he can't communicate for shit. But to have his love confession twisted like this? There's only so much he can take, only so much poetry he can spin mean words into. His heart aches for Geralt's broken problem, yet the petty bitch in him can only think I told you so, you didn't listen.
...actually, that doesn't sound half bad.
"About fucking time." He surprises himself by managing not to snap. His tone is still bitter and hurt, but his voice is hushed - things are resting on cracked ice, he realizes, and he's scared that it'll break again, like that day in the mountain. Even at moments like this, Geralt is still the best thing that has ever happened to him, something he doesn't want to lose. He's kept his feelings hidden all these years not to lose this friendship, and he can now feel it slipping through his fingers like sand. "How many times have I said you didn't have to take all that horsehit, Geralt? That you didn't have to be in fucking pieces, to endure insults and mistreatment, that you deserve better than that?"
Blue eyes follow the fingers on his lap as the pick at his nails. Another moment that should be good (Geralt learning that lesson), stained by this emotional hurricane.
"I consider myself an expert in reading you, yet half of the time, I still can't tell what you want. The conversation we had before Pavetta's betrothal still rings in my ears, so many years later, knowing you didn't mean half of it. So hearing you express a personal wish right now... it should make me happy. And it kind of does." Not being able to take it any longer, he looks up again, because if he's going down, he wants to save the last of his pride. He doesn't have much of it when it comes to Geralt, dumbass lovefool that he is, but if there's one thing he can say without shame is that he never gave in to Geralt's anger. Jaskier has always been fearless in front of the witcher, and he can't change that now. "Yet it also makes me doubt everything again. 'Whatever you want', you said. Was it only because you felt guilty? Do you truly want the White Wolf's bard by your side again? As a barker? As a travel companion? As a friend? As-- anything else? I've bared my feelings for you so many times by now, Geralt of Rivia. Someone out there will want you, I said. Let's go to the coast, I said."
A pause. He swallows the sob that threatens to escape.
"I love you, my song said." Thank the gods he's already sitting, or his trembling legs wouldn't have supported him through that admission. It's the closest he's been to saying it directly. "Something you weren't supposed to find out, because losing your friendship is the most terrifying thing that could happen to me, and yet... here we are, I say."